I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
