if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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