these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
