I think i peed on brittanys purse
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
