Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
