plz talk dirty to me
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
