Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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