Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
