he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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