Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
