are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
