He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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