When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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