I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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