Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
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You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
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I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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