I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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