I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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