but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize