I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
