I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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