Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
