I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
