i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
