i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
