I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
