yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
