my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
