Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
