just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
