sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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