dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
