When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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