someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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