the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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