I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
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Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
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He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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