now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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