Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
