I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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