Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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