I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My ATM looks so different sober.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
