I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
