I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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