Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
