Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
