It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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