so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
