i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
