My brain says no but my pants say off.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
