The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
