I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
