don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
