like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
