It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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