My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
