i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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