Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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