He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
